I started this semster thinking I could handle what i have set my self up for. 6 classes, Tator warned me, Dr. Ducktape warned me, the hubby begged not to, and most of my friends told me i was crazy. Well now i agree. I cant handle it all. I have had a mental block all semster, as most of you have seen. My house looks like a tornato hit it and I do belive my marriage is now on the rocks because of it. I want to give up everything so bad but I would only be doing what i have been doing all my life. When is it all to much? When do you find that point? I have been asking my self that all semseter when i wake up still tired, when im sitting class about to fall asleep. Most people seem to find a way to blame this on my gaming. Its not. Some have blamed it on my house guest i have every night. Its not that either. I cant sleep cause i feel like im drowning in everything i feel like im behind on something which is everything most of the time. I lay awake all night sometimes thinking about what i should be doing that im not cause im just laying there.
Now as of tonight its got even worse. I think my good intentions and caring about other people has been miss judged as noseness and a way to cause drama. Its not that all I just dont want to see anyone get hurt in the long run. I know that niether party would do anything its not them i worry about. Its the rest of the world that might want to bring these people down. As i was all ways told when i was younger "It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye poked out" maybe i have been clear as mud for people I still hope understand me come monday.
The hubby is asleep and worried about me. I just want him to know hes wasteing his time there no sence in worrying about me cause 99% of the time i worry enough for the both of us.
I miss home not home as in ashe either. Home as in Utah. We cant get our heads above water enough to go out there. I call my dad and my sister all the time but its not the same. My niece will be driving soon i have missed alot in her life cause im here. And when god decides to bless us with child of our own child im scared my dad wont get to see them. I know that moving to NC was the best thing i could have ever done. If i would have stayed there i would have been with trash, as i will call him here in hopes he never finds me, and i would never have gone on to school and i would have always been stuck in a no where job. But its the holidays and its the hardest time of the year for me. I have told some of you how i feel about this but once again this just one of those clear my mind blogs im sorry if the same story different day.
The hubby keeps telling me not get him anything for christmas he has told me that for the last 3 years and he always ends up with some rinky dink thing or one year nothing cause he wont tell me what he wants or i just cant find him the right gift. I dont knwo what to do I want him to have the best gift i can get him. Something that i know he will love but wont know about until then. Hes still asleep i can hear him snoreing too. He will wake up soon and yell for me again to make sure im ok. I love him dearly and hope he can handle me for the rest of the semster cause it might get ugly here soon.
But I think im done now i want to tell you the reader who ever you might be im sorry if alot of this does not make sence it is 5 in the morning now and i have been up since 8:30. Maybe all this blowing off steam or all the tears might mean i get a few hours of sleep to i can get up and get something done.
Thank you again please over look my spelling
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